So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
