I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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