I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
