saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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