Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
