Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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