I threw up into my coffee this morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
