I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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