He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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