So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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