I faked an abortion last night.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
