I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
