Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
