Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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