Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
