I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
BRING THE BAGELS
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
