I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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