I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
