Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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