Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
