lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think I won the penis lottery.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
