I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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