My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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