Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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