Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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