walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
