Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
