we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
