Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
