quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
