you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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