I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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