I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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