Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my being single is dangerous.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
