I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
