I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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