Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
