they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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