worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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