there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
