Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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