Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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