he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
