About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
