You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
