this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
