Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
