Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
