spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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