i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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