She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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