i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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