I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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