hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
