Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
