Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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