Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
