I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Found your dick twin last night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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