Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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