I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
