You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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