i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
