Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There's always time for handjobs
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize