My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
